Fear Of Rain

I just finished watching Fear of Rain. A movie about a young girl with schizophrenia. Actually, it's a schizophrenic thriller!

It reminded me of my bouts of schizophrenia when I first went into psychosis. I hid in my neighbors' apartments! I was led there by my fears of evil people outside with guns and I thought they wanted to murder my husband! I was getting ready for bed and this fear came over me! I first hid on the floor next to my bed with my husband in it and then went to the 2nd floor neighbors' apartment. I knocked on the door and asked if I could hang out for a bit. I was uncomfortable and wanted to be hidden so I asked if I could sit in her roommate's bedroom--it was dark in there! I then could feel she was uneasy and so was I; so I left! I went to the third floor landlord's apartment. This time I didn't knock, I just entered. I went into the back bedroom and carved out the pile of shoes in the closet to make way for myself. The landlord was asleep on the couch but awoke when he must have heard me. He didn't see anything so he decided to take a shower. This is when I ventured onto his outdoor back closet and hid in there in the middle of winter in Maine. I still was really scared. The voices were yelling at me. Soon I was screaming at the top of my lungs "I am the anti-christ, I am not the anti-christ!" over and over again. This is when my husband found me and brought me down to our 1st floor apartment. He had called the police earlier and had just arrived. They advised him to take me to the emergency room. And that is when my experiences with the mental hospitals began!

I was just thinking that was the worst of it when I remembered when I came back to Washington. The government switched my pills from brand name to generic and everything went back to psychosis! I had huge spending sprees--I literally don't know how I spent $90,000! And I took wild rides. Actually, road trips to Idaho and California. In Idaho I was driving with no sleep and fell asleep at the wheel at a huge cliff! Luckily, I veered to the right and not to the left across traffic to the cliff--this was at, or near, Hell's Canyon! In California I ran out of money and went homeless...

I am thankful for the medication that works even though I cannot have it!